Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
