So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
