So how was he last night?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”