I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
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She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye