She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
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I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.