Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.