were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
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i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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