at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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