I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
