I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.