The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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