Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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