apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
