I look better un-naked...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
