Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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