I will die if light touches me.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
