he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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