last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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