I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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