I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
