Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
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It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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