awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
