Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.