I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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