When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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