She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
