proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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