Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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