hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?