Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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