woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
