He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
