The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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