There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
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So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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