Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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