I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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