i need an iv and a liver transplant
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
