Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.