I could make wine with my vomit
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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