On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by