Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.