a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.