Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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