I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
