Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
