It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
