true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.