i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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