im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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