I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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