in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
we're so committed to being not committed
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
