Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
