I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
