I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
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Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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